I wasn't sure I would recognize my partner for this week's pair programming assignment, so I asked her, via email, if she thought she could recognize me. She responded:
i think i know who you are. you are the girl who wrote the code on the board, aren't you.
I've been working very hard at retraining Jeff, and he's made progress. Of course he wouldn't use the G-word in reference to adult women if he thought about it consciously, and when it slips out he never intends anything by it, but common usage is pervasive and subtly attitude-reinforcing. So I combat it wherever and whenever I can. I could hardly let this opportunity pass me by:
I am indeed the individual who volunteered. I prefer to refer to myself as a woman. I am an adult and a graduate student, and I want that to be recognized. No one, male or female, has the right to belittle me. That applies you too, my fellow woman.
I have the right not to be diminished by her, but she too has the right not to be diminished by anyone else. Take that, chauvinist America!
Bob says:
Hm. I will step delicately here, since we really don't know each other and actually that's the point of my response. I'm solidly in your camp. I balk at the use of the term girl to refer to any female person under the age of 18, but I realize I'm in a sometimes odd minority, especially living in the midwest. Given that you don't know this person, I guess I'd be a bit leery of starting a relationship by making such an vigorous correction to a relatively small misstatement. With new people, I'm aware of getting off on the right (or wrong) foot.
Just my 2 cents.
Laurabelle says:
You're right, Bob, and I think she did take it a little hard, since she apologized profusely (explaining that she had called me a girl since other people object to the implication that they are old!) I wrote her another email explaining what I meant, and hopefully that'll put us on the right foot again.
Tact is not exactly one of my strengths. ;-)
Bob says:
D'oh moment. I'm assuming you knew I meant this, but that should read any female person over the age of 18. I'm glad you took the intention of my post as it was meant. :)
Laurabelle says:
Heh. I didn't even notice the typo.
I know I make kind of a big deal about this, but names are important. I didn't think of myself as a woman until I went to MHC, and even then it took me a year before I was really comfortable referring to myself that way. Then I began to embrace the term wholeheartedly, and now I'll fight anyone who calls me (or any other woman) a girl.
A couple of weeks ago I was in a conversation with Jeff, his brother Jim, and an old (male) friend of theirs. Jeff made a comment about walking into the salon where Jim works and thinking he's gay, so I harrumphed: They all went off about how no homosexuals they knew had ever been offended by being called even Jeff didn't realize. It's that sort of pervasiveness of the term that I'm fighting.
Stephen says:
I don't believe use of the word "girl" is necessarily belittling. I tend to use the word "girl" as a term of familiarity. I often refer to my female friends using "girl", but I refer to someone outside my circle as a "woman."
Similarly, my friends sometimes refer to me as "boy". I'm 34 years old; I take no offense.
Now on occasions I do want to belittle someone-- and there are times I do-- I have been known to say "little girl" or "little boy". (I realize it's not PC, or even nice, to belittle anyone, but I'm a judgmental person and I prefer to be honest about my distaste for particular individuals when circumstances permit.)
Laurabelle says:
I'm also to some extent fighting the occasional use of to refer to males 18 or over, but that's not as common, and it's really not the same. That term carries connotations of youth and inexperience, depending on how it's used, but a woman using the word is just not as inferiority-inducing as a man using the word to refer to a colleague, for example.
People react to words in different ways, of course. Some whom I would call women don't like the implication that they are old. Personally, I care less about age than about my personal empowerment. I respect other people, and I expect them to give me the respect I deserve as well. That includes acknowledging the fact that I am a capable, empowered adult.
As for your female friends, it's their choice whether to object to your term of familiarity. I'm glad that you are aware of the difference in the implications of the two terms, though I maintain that the man/boy distinction is not the same as woman/girl.
Yay for being honest about distaste! There's only one person I know personally whom I really dislike, and the worst thing about her was that she was such a hypocrite, even though she hated me as well, that I always found myself being nice to her whenever she deigned to be polite to me. My own hypocrisy bothered me more than anything else.
Stephen says:
Addressing: "I'm glad that you are aware of the difference in the implications of the two terms, though I maintain that the man/boy distinction is not the same as woman/girl."
I understand how some people may see implications about particular words, and I monitor my usage accordingly. I disagree that there is necessarily an implication intended.
Language is an evolving thing, but that evolution is not uniform. Different words will mean different things to different people, depending upon their upbringing, culture, and world experiences.
I may address a woman as "Ma'am", thinking myself to be polite. But if she believes the term is a reference to age, she may think I'm being rude. But if I fail to call her "Ma'am", she may think I'm being disrespectful.
It seems to me like we end up doing a lot of tapdancing about what words mean rather than what the person using them means by those words.
Ultimately, empowerment (see interesting "Usage Note"), if I understand correctly your intended meaning of the word, is dependent upon one's own sense of self. In which case-- Words cannot diminish you; only you can do that.
Laurabelle says:
Good points, Stephen.
In my use of the word (and insistence on its use by other people), I'm not really concerned about offending people. I agree that intention is important in that regard, and I tend to assume that people don't mean to offend. So I take offense very rarely and to very few things.
You also have a good point about the nature of empowerment. Ultimately, my power is up to me. Nevertheless, much of my sense of myself came from taking possession of the word and it is important to me for other people to recognize that. Words cannot directly hurt me, but their usages and implications can influence my thoughts and attitudes towards myself, either constructively or destructively.
I don't think the word has much effect on me as an individual, but I want people (especially but not uniquely men) to think of women in general as equals and use the proper words for them.
I know my argument isn't quite consistent, but it's the best I'm coming up with at the moment. Thanks for the discussion. Hopefully I'll have some better thoughts later.
By the way, it turns out that my partner actually isn't female. Now I really feel like an idiot, and I wonder why I made that assumption so unconsciously. At least he wasn't offended at my mistake.
John Douglas Porter says:
I don't think people EVER (to over-generalize slighly) mean for "girl" to be belittling.
I, for one, think of myself as young, (though not under 18), and so my female peers are "girls". It's not a girl/boy dichotomy, it's a girl/guy dichotomy. I refer to all my peers as guys, or girls. But then, actual opportunities for this are rare, in my experience. Mostly I just use the term "guys", genderlessly. (I hope the girls aren't offended by that too! ;-) But this usage is strictly for peers. If it's someone I don't know well, or someone in a position of superiority to me, more formal language is always in order.
One other instance of the word "girl" being a common, acceptable usage: when a clique of older ladies refer to themselves as "the girls". In this case, it's their word, and all your protestations are of no importance to them.
Laurabelle's Blog says:
Individuality
The last pair programming assignment in CSE 142 was hellishly hard. It was the culmination of a three-week traffic-simulation project