This is a rewrite of an entry that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, one which I wrote in an attempt to digest my recent experiences with one of my housemates but which ultimately failed in that regard. According to Maggie, the entry came off as very harsh, which I partially intended. After all, neither Lori nor I was virtuous in our interactions, and I meant to criticize both of us. However, I also meant to convey sympathy and to find some lessons that I can carry into future interpersonal interactions, so that's what I'm going to attempt now.
One of the factors that makes it hard to write about this situation is that I don't want to expose details of Lori's life. All I can say is that she was and still is under a lot of stress, because it would be disrespectful and inconsiderate for me to blab about her life. You'll just have to believe me when I say that I believe I understand her situation and that I have a terrible amount of sympathy for what she's going through.
Lori's stress happened to express itself through her demand that my boyfriend, Jeff, not be at our house at all during the last full week before Christmas. This wouldn't have been a big issue except that she didn't mention this to us until Sunday evening, Jeff and I had already made our dinner plans for that week, and they depended on cooking and eating over here. It wouldn't have been a big issue either, if Lori and I (and Jeff as well) had been communicating steadily, except I guess I didn't perceive it as an issue since Lori was almost never in the house anyway. It's true that she complained a few months ago, but at that time it seemed to me that she was overreacting, and she never said anything again until a few weeks ago.
Over the week of December 15, Jeff and I became increasingly frustrated at Lori's demand that Jeff stay scarce even though she wasn't in the house 90% of the waking hours. On Thursday we intentionally provoked her, which was not very kind of us. She exploded, and Mary and Pete mediated. I have only seen her once since that evening, and I don't expect to see or speak to her again.
But that Thursday evening, after Jeff was gone, I tried to talk to Lori and figure out what was going on in her head. I got a myriad of answers, one after another, each new answer contradicting almost all its predecessors. I figure that she doesn't even know what was bothering her, or rather, she's in denial. She doesn't want to admit what's really causing her so much stress, so she's taking it out on us. I have a certain amount of understanding and sympathy for that, but it's just not okay to take out her emotions on us.
Lori's moved out now (moving was part of what was causing her stress), so I don't have to deal with that particular situation any more. In thinking about how our relationship fell out, I'm disappointed in myself, because I should have been more generous with my responses. I should have given her an emotional allowance for being under stress. If I were really great, I would have been able to show her, gently, that she was being irrational and unreasonable and that she needed to look for the root of her stress somewhere else.
That's not a lesson I can take away for next time; be a better person
is not helpful guidance. In the future, I can communicate more clearly and more often. I can try to fit inside the other person's head. When things come to a crisis, I can conduct myself so that I won't be ashamed when it's all over.
Stephen says:
It is certainly an admirable quality to look to oneself for improvement in one's interactions with others. People should take responsibility for their actions. Which also means that OTHER people should take responsibility for their actions as well.
Stress may mitigate a bad behavior, but does not excuse it. Being overly understanding may unintentionally reinforce a notion in the other person that it is ok to behave inappropriately. It's not ok. It is human, but that's really not the same thing, is it?
That said, I don't presume to say that this is necessarily applicable to your situation, nor is it particularly my intention to second-guess you. Just another viewpoint.
Stephen (with his empathy chip turned off)
Laurabelle says:
I know what you mean, but I think it's an unnecessarily hard-nosed attitude. No, stress didn't excuse her mistreatment of me, but neither did her actions absolve me of the responsibility to behave ethically and sympathetically. For the record, I did not behave particularly sympathetically, and that is my responsibility alone.
I regret that I as unable to express to Lori, in a way that would be helpful to her, how unacceptable I found her behavior and what I thought its cause was. She was unable to listen. On Thursday night, during our discussion, I regretted that we didn't coordinate our schedules several months ago, and she said I explained, gently, that she had asked us to do exactly that, and she said like she had never thought about that before.
I know that Lori is not really like this. She tries to be a very considerate person. She has blind spots, of course, but so do we all. She would never have made these demands, had she not driven herself into the wall.
Of course, I have a lot more room for sympathy now that she's moved out and I don't have to deal with her in person.
Laurabelle's Blog says:
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